With Time

I hate the cycle we go through as young couples.

No matter how toxic the relationship is, we feel the need to stay just because we love our significant other.

Due to being blinded by love we end up wasting valuable time on something that wasn't meant to be.

I once heard a saying “we meet everyone for a reason; either they’re a lesson or a blessing.”

So… which one are you?

Tonight we argued We said things that should never be said, yet in the heat of the moment they all came spewing out. After all was said and done we walked away from each other to come down from our breaking point and clear our heads. During my come down I couldn’t help but see the constant repetition in our relationship: we love, fight, break up and repeat. We meet back up after having some time apart, as you apologize you hug me, reluctantly I hug you back thinking to myself something has to change.

Last month I decided to leave you.

You’ve called and texted me ever since, trying to pry your way back into my life.

The constant effort was noticed but greatly unappreciated.

As much as I love you, I need to get away from you.

The love we share is surreal, a feeling I know only I can experience with you but no matter what we have, I can’t seem to shake this feeling of it all coming to an end.

I met a girl tonight her name’s Melody, she's from Toronto, spending the summer here as an intern for a law firm…  she was amazing, intellectual yet has had her share of hardships. We clicked so much it felt like we were the only people in the room, we laughed, exchanged numbers, even held hands on a couple occasions. It felt like she could make me forget it all. My phone vibrates and it all changes, it’s you. You tell me you miss it all… you miss me. Caught up in the text I forget all about the girl only to be brought back to reality by the waving hand in my face. Seeing the look on my face, she knew the moment we shared has ended and just like that I’m back in the loop. I text you back and tell you “I miss you too.” I hate the shit you do.

The crickets chirp,

The street light hums as we stand under it in anticipation for what’s about to be said.

Instead of speaking, you hand me a letter.

The structure of the letter was perfect, words flowing one after the other breaking down my wall of defense I built to keep you out.

A lump builds in my throat due to all the emotions I’m feeling inside, with no other way to give you an answer. I embrace you.

As wrong as I knew it was, moving backwards felt just as right because it’s all for you.

Things have been going smooth for us.

We go out, we laugh, we bond, trying to build our foundation again.

As good as things feel, I still can’t shake the feeling of what we have ending..

The feeling picks at me everyday.

Days go by and the smile on your face begins to transition from happiness to worrisome.

Can you tell I’m thinking about moving on?

We’re at the diner where we first met and as nostalgic as it feels we both know something's up. Still you act as if it’s all okay, telling me about work and all the coworkers you hate, as you go on about your story my palms begin to sweat, my heart beat picking up its pace I’ve finally reached my boiling point. Concerned, you ask “Are you okay?” The lump in my throat reappears but this time I take a deep breath swallow my guilt and respond “I’m breaking up with you.” Your jaw drops in shock, I quickly get up and walk out before you can sway me into staying with you. As I walk out of the diner I can feel all the weight and guilt of wanting to leave fall off my shoulders… Such a liberating moment for me.

Moving on has A L W A Y S been the hardest thing that life can put you through, no matter the situation whether it be death, grief, love or strife. Looking back on it now life is all about moving on… moving forward. Putting it all behind. You can either go one of two ways: you end up going back to what you know or you leave and live with the constant thought of what life would be like if you had gone back to what you knew… what bittersweet thing.